These are some exerpts from a presentation that I gave a few weeks ago, on how I left my day job to become an independent business owner, and some observations so far.
Since we often define ourselves through our activities, and in
turn our activities define us, by shaping our priorities, drawing certain
people into our circle, if something that is ok or tolerable is a big piece of
our lives, then we draw to ourselves people and situations that support a
tolerable life. In a tolerable life, a passion is on the
periphery, something that a few hours a week or a month “keeps me
going.”
I hear my friends and former coworkers say that they love their
chosen field, but now that I’m no longer in that stream, I can
really listen, and what I most often hear is a nonstop stream of complaints, that
loop back on themselves and repeat, and repeat.
This is not a judgment, because I was right there also,
participating in those “this is how bad my life is” conversations, day after
day, after day. And it’s easy for that
orientation toward the biggest part of the day to bleed over into the rest of life…now
my social obligations are a burden, now my family’s activities are a burden,
now I don’t “have time” for fun, or I don’t describe leisure activities as fun
or I don’t select leisure activities that are fun because they don’t fit my
narrative.
Is this ok?
Is this what life is supposed to be?
I believe we all have a path, a unique path, where we make fullest use
of our innate
or acquired strengths for our own benefit and for the benefit of
others.
If we are trudging along, head down, going through
motions, living for the weekend, or vacation, or retirement, we probably aren’t on
the right path. Some people
try to tell
us that we are, by saying “You’re lucky to have a job at all?” What a terrible thing to say to someone! And what a terrible message to internalize: This is the best I can do. Someone or someones in a position of
authority told me so.
So many of us stop thinking that we can do
better, and we soak up and internalize and repeat “The evil you know is better than the
fabulosity you don’t know.”
Wait a minute! That’s
not how it goes! It’s supposed to be the
EVIL you don’t know. Well, if you don’t
know, how do you know that something is evil?
When do we start equating “unfamiliar” with “bad”? We didn’t used to be that way. We used to embrace new things and to reinvent
ourselves on a regular basis.
If you can dress, drive and feed yourself, you already have reinvented yourself three times. If you are potty trained, have held a job,
can read and have lived independently of your family of origin,
you have reinvented yourself four more times. When do we stop doing that? At what point to we look around and say, “I’m
finished growing?” Even the grass continues
to grow, no matter how much we hack it back, no matter if there is a drought
and it dies back to the roots. Does my lawn
have more ambition than I do??
What if someone got off track and then decided, “I’m
finished growing and reinventing I may
not be on my life’s path, I may be hacking my way through the woods with a
machete every day (which would explain why I’m exhausted all the time), but I’m
committing to this direction.”
It’s easy to miss
the path sometimes, and even when life offers us shortcuts
to get back on track, we can miss them because we’re working so hard over HERE,
instead of stopping, taking a rest and looking around. All the way around. The other 350 degrees. Ah, there it is!
Why commit to a particular course of action
that isn’t
resulting in a life improvement?
We would never consider making a
wrong turn on a street and saying, “Y’know, I think I’ll just keep
going this way. I’m not sure where I’m
going, but finding my way back seems like a lot of work, plus it would be
acknowledging that I got off track, and I’m not really up for either of those,
so I’ll just keep going this way. I hope
there is a gas station somewhere.”
Our life paths are no different. No different.
A dear
friend and former coworker, when I informed her of my plans to leave
my day job last spring, was horrified. “How
can you turn
your back on your degree? You
worked so hard for it!”
“It’s time to move on” I told her.
“Why would I let a piece of paper define the rest of my
life?” There were no sacred vows
involved, no tokens of fidelity exchanged.
I already had spotted the shortcut back to my path. Was my time in my previous career
wasted? Not at all! That was where I needed to be for those
years, gaining skills and then becoming uncomfortable enough to decide that a
change was needed. I was moving on,
not turning back.
So here is someone hacking away at the underbrush,
heading…somewhere unspecified, exhausted but resigned to “this is the best I
can do” because I’ve been swinging this machete for so long, and I’ve
surrounded myself with people who are also hacking away at the underbrush,
because it
makes me feel better about being unhappy because if we are all
unhappy, at
least I have company and having company is good.
I used to do this too! I belonged to the sisterhood of the downtrodden, and was
swinging that machete and talking about how difficult it was and how I had no
other options.
What on earth holds anyone to this course? Fear, of course, an assumption that the
unknown is worse than the known, simply because it is unknown or the person doesn't have enough information.
There is discomfort, but also power, in realizing that we all have unique gifts and a unique path and that we can choose to get back to that path if we have wandered off. That can be a gradual process, just doing the very next thing, but it all starts with a decision.
