Ah, the speed bumps of life. We shouldn't be surprised by them, but they seem to come out of nowhere, at least for me. And so today, I find that getting back on my true path involves taking one of those dirt-road short-cuts of which I'm so fond (although I know they are a little harder on the car!) I can see where I'm heading, and I know I'm on the right road, but wow, is this stretch bumpy! The decision I need to make now is whether to press on ahead or whether to turn around and try to get to my destination via an unknown, long, meandering paved road.
I like this metaphor, so I'll keep going! Were this a real road, with a real destination in sight, I can almost picture in my mind who, of my friends and acquaintances, would say, "I'm outta here. This is impassible. I'm going around." I can also picture a very few people who would say, "Well, I'm almost there, and it's going to be just as bad turning around. I'll just keep going." Finally, I can picture some who would stop at the edge of the pavement and call to me to turn around and come back, that it's not safe, it's hard on the car, I'll break something, etc.
A very similar situation exists anytime anyone takes off down a new path or road in life. If it's a new and different road, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to know what the conditions are up ahead. There has to be some trust in the map and in the road signs, that this indeed is the quickest way to the destination. There will always be those believe that pavement represents infinite security, even if the smoother road doesn't really head in the right direction...or turns out to be crumbling....and who will call out "Come back! This is a much better road, or at least a less bad one!" The fact of driving on pavement becomes more important than reaching the destination.
I'm finding that by doing a 180-degree turn in my life, I have left most of my friends and acquaintances back on the paved road, and that can make for some lonely moments. As part of my journey along this sometimes-bumpy shortcut, I'm learning to keep my eyes open for fellow or potential travel-mates, those who have the same sense of impatience with the long and winding paved road that I do, and those who are able to look down the short-cut and say, "It definitely has some bad spots, but it's do-able." There are fewer of those fellow life-travelers out there, but I will find them, and they are precious to me.
Beep! Beep!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Unity or manners?
This is a little off my self-imposed beaten path, but Unity Day is on my mind, and this is a potentially less incendiary venue than other social media for committing my thoughts to writing. When the children brought home notes from school a couple weeks ago, urging them to wear orange on a specific day as a sign of....support(?) for....anti-bullying, I was equal parts annoyed and confused.
Confusion first, and on several fronts. First, my well-established trope that bullying became the new word for ill-mannered or ill-bred, after those descriptors fell out of fashion. And bullying appears to be short-hand for "I disagree with you" or "I don't like what you said". Children know that adults get all excited when they start tossing around the b-word, and most children are smart enough to use that to their personal advantages. So, the word appears to be a poor vehicle for conveying what appear to be good intentions. Ill manners should be addressed.
Second, I'm confused that only one day out of the year should be devoted to celebrating the imminent demise of/setting aside of/condemning poor manners. Adaptive social intercourse can hardly be taught or meaningfully modeled in one day. What about the other three-hundred and sixty-four? If I really want to punch someone, should I just wait for tomorrow, when Unity Day is over? Or is every day Unity Day?
Third, who exactly is in charge of leading the crusade toward civility? Those of us of a certain age have heard that "good manners begin at home" (no burping at the table, etc) but the race by education in general to both be in loco parentis and to "get parents more involved" leads inevitably to some clashes over turf and over parenting styles (the schools' version and the parents' version). Finger-pointing, sometimes with different fingers, is fashionable, but hardly addresses the question.
My annoyance comes from being solicited, and having the children solicited, to signal their approval of the aforementioned flawed thinking by wearing orange. If they do not have or choose to or remember to wear orange, is that bullying by omission, by disrespecting the idea of anti-bullying? Follow this line of thought, and you will be in a Gordian knot in no time. I also do not respect the naive assumption that by creating a behavioral vacuum ("Don't do that") that an adaptive or pro-social behavior automatically fills the void. The other half of "Don't bully", whatever subjective and personal definition one attaches to "bullying", is "Do this instead." As good manners are equal parts rehearsed behavior and generalizing concepts of what constitutes good manners, this is hardly a one-day project, nor is it solely a school-based project.
Children, adolescents and adults all reflect what they have practiced most, or what they have been suddenly and meaningfully encouraged to do. Most of this comes from home, so perhaps encouraging entire families to wear orange all the time would have a more meaningful impact on raising the societal social bar.
Confusion first, and on several fronts. First, my well-established trope that bullying became the new word for ill-mannered or ill-bred, after those descriptors fell out of fashion. And bullying appears to be short-hand for "I disagree with you" or "I don't like what you said". Children know that adults get all excited when they start tossing around the b-word, and most children are smart enough to use that to their personal advantages. So, the word appears to be a poor vehicle for conveying what appear to be good intentions. Ill manners should be addressed.
Second, I'm confused that only one day out of the year should be devoted to celebrating the imminent demise of/setting aside of/condemning poor manners. Adaptive social intercourse can hardly be taught or meaningfully modeled in one day. What about the other three-hundred and sixty-four? If I really want to punch someone, should I just wait for tomorrow, when Unity Day is over? Or is every day Unity Day?
Third, who exactly is in charge of leading the crusade toward civility? Those of us of a certain age have heard that "good manners begin at home" (no burping at the table, etc) but the race by education in general to both be in loco parentis and to "get parents more involved" leads inevitably to some clashes over turf and over parenting styles (the schools' version and the parents' version). Finger-pointing, sometimes with different fingers, is fashionable, but hardly addresses the question.
My annoyance comes from being solicited, and having the children solicited, to signal their approval of the aforementioned flawed thinking by wearing orange. If they do not have or choose to or remember to wear orange, is that bullying by omission, by disrespecting the idea of anti-bullying? Follow this line of thought, and you will be in a Gordian knot in no time. I also do not respect the naive assumption that by creating a behavioral vacuum ("Don't do that") that an adaptive or pro-social behavior automatically fills the void. The other half of "Don't bully", whatever subjective and personal definition one attaches to "bullying", is "Do this instead." As good manners are equal parts rehearsed behavior and generalizing concepts of what constitutes good manners, this is hardly a one-day project, nor is it solely a school-based project.
Children, adolescents and adults all reflect what they have practiced most, or what they have been suddenly and meaningfully encouraged to do. Most of this comes from home, so perhaps encouraging entire families to wear orange all the time would have a more meaningful impact on raising the societal social bar.
An Equation
I just this very minute finished listening to a weekly inspirational call for business owners and entrepreneurs, and was struck by the contrast between that message and a telephone call that ended moments before I dialed in to the weekly message.
I have times of feeling "stuck", both in business and personally, and I'm finally realizing the power of the words I speak to affect both my own actions and the perceptions of those around me. I have heard that I can't speak negativity and defeat and experience success. That makes perfect sense in the business world (and why would I want to speak negatively of my business in any case?), but it's not as immediately obvious in the world-of-being-an-employee, which I recently left.
A dear friend from my previous job called this morning, wanting my opinion on a case in which I had been involved, as well as another case. I was delighted to hear from my friend, and we spoke for twenty minutes. In all that time, there was never one positive word said about her work/my former job. That didn't surprise me, as I have noted the sucking negativity and despair that pervades much of that workplace, but it did cause me to stop and wonder if some situations are simply irretrievably "lost", given the combination of personalities, expectations and job descriptions (or lack of clarity thereof).
That is an interesting question. I decided for myself that my previous work environment was irretrievably lost, and that the longer I stayed there the more I was having to contort myself mentally and emotionally. Or, to paraprhase the song from "Chicago", is there really "a little bit of good in every situation"? If there is, is the bit of good vanishingly small, or big enough to act as a pivot point?
I'm not going to devote the time or mental energy to sussing that out; instead, I'm contenting myself with noticing the two equations that were brought to my attention this morning. From the call from my friend, I was reminded that the wages of negativity...continue to decrease every year. From the inspirational business call, I was reminded that into every positive vision, hardship inevitably comes, but the rewards are even higher on the other side.
I have times of feeling "stuck", both in business and personally, and I'm finally realizing the power of the words I speak to affect both my own actions and the perceptions of those around me. I have heard that I can't speak negativity and defeat and experience success. That makes perfect sense in the business world (and why would I want to speak negatively of my business in any case?), but it's not as immediately obvious in the world-of-being-an-employee, which I recently left.
A dear friend from my previous job called this morning, wanting my opinion on a case in which I had been involved, as well as another case. I was delighted to hear from my friend, and we spoke for twenty minutes. In all that time, there was never one positive word said about her work/my former job. That didn't surprise me, as I have noted the sucking negativity and despair that pervades much of that workplace, but it did cause me to stop and wonder if some situations are simply irretrievably "lost", given the combination of personalities, expectations and job descriptions (or lack of clarity thereof).
That is an interesting question. I decided for myself that my previous work environment was irretrievably lost, and that the longer I stayed there the more I was having to contort myself mentally and emotionally. Or, to paraprhase the song from "Chicago", is there really "a little bit of good in every situation"? If there is, is the bit of good vanishingly small, or big enough to act as a pivot point?
I'm not going to devote the time or mental energy to sussing that out; instead, I'm contenting myself with noticing the two equations that were brought to my attention this morning. From the call from my friend, I was reminded that the wages of negativity...continue to decrease every year. From the inspirational business call, I was reminded that into every positive vision, hardship inevitably comes, but the rewards are even higher on the other side.
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