Should I Stay or Should I Go?

With apologies to The Clash...I was going to title this "I choose to stay or I choose to go," but the other sounded better.  The idea for this reflection came from hearing several people say, in different contexts, "I have to.....".  That got me thinking.  While many of our decisions ARE constrained by obligations to others or by our own expectations for ourselves, they still are choices, and not the self-imposed ultimatums we present.  Of course, every ultimatum comes with an implied (or sometimes spoken) "or else", and I personally like to find out what those are, before making decisions.  Think of how many times a day you say, "I have to...", as in, "I have to do the laundry" (or else what?), "I have to finish this report" (or else what?) or "I have to make this phone call today" (or else what?).  You get the picture.  Often the consequences, if any, aren't really life-altering, but by framing choices as ultimatums there is a sense of pressure or loss of control.

What would a day of well-reasoned choices in an office job look like?  It might start with choosing clothing that doesn't need ironing or goes on quickly because I chose not to leap up as soon as the alarm rang.  There is a choice of breakfast--yes, no or to-go?  I might choose to skip breakfast to buy myself a few extra minutes in the commute.  I can choose to tough out a traffic jam or attempt to bail out and take an alternate route (I never made the right decision in these situations!).  Once I arrive at work, I can choose to follow my own priorities for the day or to follow someone else's, after weighing the benefit and cost of both options.  I can respond to emails and calls immediately, later or not at all.  I can choose to eat at my desk, go for a walk, or leave the office for lunch.  At the end of the day, I can choose whether or not to take work home with me.  The more people I involve in any of these decisions, the greater the likelihood that one of them will disapprove of at least one of the choices I make.  And therein lies that which feels most like an ultimatum--"I have to do X or Y will be mad/unhappy."  Anticipation of something unpleasant, regardless of how much real control we have over it, can exert a powerful influence over the choices we make.  Often, the unknown is assumed to be unpleasant, leading to the "I have to stay where I am/keep doing what I'm doing" mindset.  There is even a cliche for it:  The evil you know is better than the evil you don't.  Why is the unknown assumed to be evil?

Letting go of the illusion of being able to control others can be a wonderful first step to organizing or reorganizing one's life!  I'm in a relationship that isn't moving me forward and making me a better person.  If I end the relationship, my partner will be angry.  How do I know that for sure?  Might not the person be angry anyway, regardless of what I do?  I have to have my cell phone with me, in case I get in an accident and have to call for help.  The ability or inability to quickly call for help has absolutely nothing to do with the probability of getting in an accident, unless it makes me drive more carefully.  I have to stay at this job because I need the insurance.  What if a family member gets sick?  What if no one gets sick?  The presence or absence of insurance does not affect whether or not anyone develops an illness.

Choices abound, and shadowy figures of ultimatums that seem to lurk in the corners of our minds often disappear when exposed to light.  Making fear-based choices and framing them as "I have to..." leads to meeting the world from a position of fear, not a position of strength.  What will you choose?