Grace

A month or so ago, I was talking with a family member, one generation up, who was helping a friend pack up and move.  The friend had lost her job, had no family to help her, and was receiving government assistance to put food on her table.  She was packing up and moving across the country, where a new job awaited.

But...
In the middle of all this packing,  "Grace" had a nail appointment.
My relative was horrified.

"She can't pay the rent, and she's getting her nails done?!?"

This family member was born during the Depression.  She remembers the frugal times of World War II.  She prides herself on never (as in never, ever) "needing" help, especially financial help, from anyone.  She's set the bar for judging others equally high.

Clearly, "Grace" fell short.

To be honest, I would have joined this relative in sniffing and "tut-tutting" (even as I helped the less fortunate) in the not-to-distant past.  After all, we bring our circumstances on ourselves, right?  All failings are personal failings in the end, right?   Joy ain't free...you gotta work for it.  No obvious, positive contribution to society...no happiness for you.

Here’s what I said:
“I get it.  If Grace needs $550 for the rent right now, and she doesn’t have $550, or even $450, but she DOES have $25, why shouldn’t she get her nails done?  That $25 isn’t going to make any difference in the time frame she needs it, and if having her nails done is a little pick-me-up during this hard time, why not?”

Pause

“I never thought of it that way.”

Here’s the thing.
I'm not pulling in a steady income at the moment. 
Decisions have to be made.
Big purchases have to wait.
It’s impossible for me not to beat myself up and say "This is my fault."
It’s also hard to shake the feeling I “shouldn’t” be happy…at all...in my current situation.  After all, I brought this on myself and my family, right?

So, I understand Grace in a way I would not have, just a few years ago. 

I understand grace better too.

When the children forget, again, to clean up after themselves; well…I’ve done that too.  I’ve also been late, lost things, not been prepared, not finished what I’ve started, done things the “wrong” way or made more work for other people.

Just like they do.

I can’t completely stop the thought “I’m going to scream” when a ski jacket is missing AGAIN (Really?  In the winter?  Did you not notice you were cold?),  but I’m getting better at replacing that thought with remembering something similar I’ve done…

…when I’ve made an honest mistake, and hoped for a little grace.

As the children get older, they’ll make decisions I don’t agree with.  They’ll do things we didn’t raise them to do.  They’ll get into messes, and hope for a little grace.

Someday, my relative will need a little grace too.  I expect it’ll be an anguishing moment for her, realizing that all the striving to be ONLY a dispenser of largess…and never a receiver…must ultimately fail.

Everyone needs a little grace.
Everyone needs a simple “It’s ok.”