This started out as a New Year's resolution for 2014, but I quickly decided to abandon that rather ephemeral concept in favor of something more concrete: modeling the behavior I would like to see in others. This used to be called The Golden Rule, but that phrase comes with its own connotations and sounds so...all encompassing. I'm going for something specific.
This year, 2014, I plan to strike the word "busy" from my interactions with others, in hopes that they will do the same for me. I always recoil slightly from the Christmas newsletters that begin "This has been a very busy year for us!" and the implication that the lives of others have not also been overfilled with.....well, with something. Then, the listing of activities and accomplishments, interspersed with "And when Iphigenia has a free moment, she likes to hone her desert-trekking skills...". I've been guilty of this as well, partly out of misplaced pride and partly out of desire to not appear unable to keep up with the Jonses and the Smiths. But not this year.
I had several days this year (ok, many days this year), where execution of all the commitments depended on split-second timing, a good tailwind and no traffic. No room for error. I don't recall feeling terribly virtuous or improved at the end of those days, just exhausted, and with some potential "bragging rights" for social media, once I recovered. Busy, busy days.
I've since decided, that at least in Linda's world, busy-ness will heretofore be renamed Poor Time Management and/or Failure to be Forthright, and treated as a deficiency, rather than a badge of honor. Having a foot cast for two weeks really helped to jump-start this process, as I had to stop and think before I did anything, to decide whether or not it was even physically possible with crutches and whether or not it would simply take more time than I wanted to spend. My vindication, of sorts, came in the last week of the children's school, when the parent association collects checks and monetary gifts for teachers, divides them, creates a card and distributes the cards and money. There was a timing glitch (possibly resulting from people being busy), and the division and distribution of money came right down to the last second. Even though the process did not go at all as planned, it turned out that day was free for me, although I grumbled several times under my breath during the course of it. At the distribution time, I was floored at the relief in so many teachers' voices. They were counting on that gift.
Here's what it looks like for 2014: I will make every effort to not dismiss anyone with "I'm too busy." I'll tell them what I'm doing instead, including keeping margins for error. If someone suggests an activity that doesn't interest me, I'll either suck it up for the good of the relationship and make an effort to enjoy myself, or say, "Thank you for asking me! That isn't going to fit into my schedule" (no need to be brutal). My hope is for improved relationships, a chance to fully focus on what I'm doing and memories that are sharp instead of blurred. Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Setting the Margins Wide Enough
I just finished reading an email from a parent at the children's school, regarding collecting money for the teachers' Christmas gift checks. There has been a change in leadership for this endeavor, and the emails have been flying, as information from previous years is consolidated and passed along. I'm in the loop in a peripheral way, so I get to read, without having to respond.
With my foot in a cast for two weeks now, I have been using the time to chip away at commitments, both single-incident and long-standing one. The simple act of getting around takes an extraordinary amount of time, and I can't physically accomplish as much as I have in the past.
I was laughing about this with a parent at school last week, telling her that God really, really wanted to slow me down, and He finally had to resort to this. She asked, "So when you are back on both feet, will you slow down?' "Certainly not!" I replied. "I'll go twice as fast!" I have since reconsidered. The razor-thin time margins that come with over-scheduling, even over-scheduling with worthwhile and important activities disappear completely when crutches are involved. And what exactly HAS all this running around and "being busy" accomplished for the long term? Well....nothing.
Back to the email regarding the teacher gift checks. It appears that letters have been created to accompany the checks, each personalized with the teacher's name, and printed. The line that caught my eye was, "Deb selected the stationery carefully so we wouldn't have to adjust our margins each year. In this way, formatting and printing was greatly simplified." Click! It all came together.
We all know about setting wide margins for our finances. It's variously called, "the emergency fund," "the rainy-day fund" or "the retirement fund." But what about setting the margins wide enough on our time, so we don't have to adjust each year, month, week or day? If we did, wouldn't the formatting of our days be greatly simplified?
"But, I just HAVE to....." is the response, and I myself have said this, often out of guilt and especially if the project or activity is a worthy one, and ESPECIALLY if it's something at church. But why? It's sometimes flattering to be asked, and there is that little burst of importance that we all feel when we announce to the world, "I'm sooooo busy"...right before our chests start to tighten up from anxiety.
We all have a purpose in life, a story-line, a plot arc. From whence this emerges is a matter of personal belief, but no matter, the point being that it's darn-near impossible to fulfill that intended purpose if all the hours are being spent being busy. I've experimented with scheduling twenty-eight hours worth of work for a twenty-four hour time slot, just to see if I can will the expansion of the time-space continuum, and....no, I can't. Setting the margins wide enough will increase the odds that I will both find and fulfill my purpose, follow the intended story-line and see the beautiful arc unfold.
With my foot in a cast for two weeks now, I have been using the time to chip away at commitments, both single-incident and long-standing one. The simple act of getting around takes an extraordinary amount of time, and I can't physically accomplish as much as I have in the past.
I was laughing about this with a parent at school last week, telling her that God really, really wanted to slow me down, and He finally had to resort to this. She asked, "So when you are back on both feet, will you slow down?' "Certainly not!" I replied. "I'll go twice as fast!" I have since reconsidered. The razor-thin time margins that come with over-scheduling, even over-scheduling with worthwhile and important activities disappear completely when crutches are involved. And what exactly HAS all this running around and "being busy" accomplished for the long term? Well....nothing.
Back to the email regarding the teacher gift checks. It appears that letters have been created to accompany the checks, each personalized with the teacher's name, and printed. The line that caught my eye was, "Deb selected the stationery carefully so we wouldn't have to adjust our margins each year. In this way, formatting and printing was greatly simplified." Click! It all came together.
We all know about setting wide margins for our finances. It's variously called, "the emergency fund," "the rainy-day fund" or "the retirement fund." But what about setting the margins wide enough on our time, so we don't have to adjust each year, month, week or day? If we did, wouldn't the formatting of our days be greatly simplified?
"But, I just HAVE to....." is the response, and I myself have said this, often out of guilt and especially if the project or activity is a worthy one, and ESPECIALLY if it's something at church. But why? It's sometimes flattering to be asked, and there is that little burst of importance that we all feel when we announce to the world, "I'm sooooo busy"...right before our chests start to tighten up from anxiety.
We all have a purpose in life, a story-line, a plot arc. From whence this emerges is a matter of personal belief, but no matter, the point being that it's darn-near impossible to fulfill that intended purpose if all the hours are being spent being busy. I've experimented with scheduling twenty-eight hours worth of work for a twenty-four hour time slot, just to see if I can will the expansion of the time-space continuum, and....no, I can't. Setting the margins wide enough will increase the odds that I will both find and fulfill my purpose, follow the intended story-line and see the beautiful arc unfold.
Friday, October 25, 2013
On Picking a Lane
"You never can tell." I've heard this phrase many, many times in conjunction with being urged to try something new, whether it be a sport, a restaurant, a movie or a leisure destination. "You never can tell" is an urging to not dismiss prematurely, based on limited information and on existing biases. The phrase applies to people also, especially young people who seem to have drifted from the socially expected developmental progression. "He may amount to something yet. You never can tell."
The opposite of this wait-and-see approach is a quick categorizing of a person, place or thing as desirable or undesirable. "Yes, you can tell, and I can tell you this is a sure fire thing," or "I can tell you now that I'm going to hate this." This approach to life saves time, while potentially narrowing the scope of one's experiences. It's a trade-off.
An interesting frisson of dissonance arises when one attempts to implement both "You never can tell" and "Of course I can tell" at the same time. One way in which this happens is when the basic premise is "You never can tell...except in this case, where I definitely can tell." An example would be an aspiring entrepreneur, in search of angel investors, hosting an informational presentation and deciding which potential investors to invite. She may decide initially to invite everyone she knows, on the chance that any one of them will take an interest, but she then may start eliminating potential guests on the grounds that she "knows" (guesses) they wouldn't be interested in her proposal. The aspiring entrepreneur has failed to pick a lane.
Organizations that market themselves as inclusive and welcoming of all, but who have de facto or informal selection criteria, also may be perceived as failing to pick a lane. This may cloud or confuse the mission and confuse current or potential members. Can I belong to this organization or not? Will I be welcomed here or not? Within ostensible inclusive and welcoming organizations (schools, churches, business groups), there may be an "in" group or groups and an "out" group or groups, formed on the idea that yes, you can tell about some people. Those who have what it takes, those who lack drive, those who want to succeed, those who just don't care, those who are active leaders, those who are dead wood.
The credibility of organizations that present as "y'all come", but who sort members after admission is granted (particularly if there is a cost for membership), can come into doubt and affect recruitment, if the "out" group feels misled and is vocal regarding their dissatisfaction. Hypocrisy is an indictment that is hard to refute in the social perception. Far better to pick the lane of honest discrimination and to say "We welcome people with only these traits and characteristics," than to attempt to navigate down the center yellow line, straddling "You never can tell" and "You are exactly whom we are/are not seeking."
The opposite of this wait-and-see approach is a quick categorizing of a person, place or thing as desirable or undesirable. "Yes, you can tell, and I can tell you this is a sure fire thing," or "I can tell you now that I'm going to hate this." This approach to life saves time, while potentially narrowing the scope of one's experiences. It's a trade-off.
An interesting frisson of dissonance arises when one attempts to implement both "You never can tell" and "Of course I can tell" at the same time. One way in which this happens is when the basic premise is "You never can tell...except in this case, where I definitely can tell." An example would be an aspiring entrepreneur, in search of angel investors, hosting an informational presentation and deciding which potential investors to invite. She may decide initially to invite everyone she knows, on the chance that any one of them will take an interest, but she then may start eliminating potential guests on the grounds that she "knows" (guesses) they wouldn't be interested in her proposal. The aspiring entrepreneur has failed to pick a lane.
Organizations that market themselves as inclusive and welcoming of all, but who have de facto or informal selection criteria, also may be perceived as failing to pick a lane. This may cloud or confuse the mission and confuse current or potential members. Can I belong to this organization or not? Will I be welcomed here or not? Within ostensible inclusive and welcoming organizations (schools, churches, business groups), there may be an "in" group or groups and an "out" group or groups, formed on the idea that yes, you can tell about some people. Those who have what it takes, those who lack drive, those who want to succeed, those who just don't care, those who are active leaders, those who are dead wood.
The credibility of organizations that present as "y'all come", but who sort members after admission is granted (particularly if there is a cost for membership), can come into doubt and affect recruitment, if the "out" group feels misled and is vocal regarding their dissatisfaction. Hypocrisy is an indictment that is hard to refute in the social perception. Far better to pick the lane of honest discrimination and to say "We welcome people with only these traits and characteristics," than to attempt to navigate down the center yellow line, straddling "You never can tell" and "You are exactly whom we are/are not seeking."
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
When It Bothers You Enough
“When it bothers you enough, you’ll do something about it.”
This was a phrase of mine from the days when I was a therapist.
I know I phrased it less abruptly than that, or spread the idea over several sentences.
The emphasis, at least mentally, was on the word “enough”. People (including myself!) have a remarkably high tolerance for discomfort, even danger, when the alternative is changing thoughts or behaviors, even making tiny little changes.
I have been guilty of this often myself, and the full knowledge that I “should” be doing things differently (e.g. preparing for competition differently, exercising on a regular schedule, being more self-disciplined in writing) has never been sufficient to cause me to change.
Unfortunately (from the perspective of the outsider), it often takes something drastic, something “eye-opening” to incite change. It could be a physical illness or “attack” of some sort, a public humiliation, a love or a job lost or a danger to life; events to which the outsider’s response is “Wow, I would have done ANYthing to avoid that.” Well, no, probably not, in the same situation.
This was a phrase of mine from the days when I was a therapist.
I know I phrased it less abruptly than that, or spread the idea over several sentences.
The emphasis, at least mentally, was on the word “enough”. People (including myself!) have a remarkably high tolerance for discomfort, even danger, when the alternative is changing thoughts or behaviors, even making tiny little changes.
I have been guilty of this often myself, and the full knowledge that I “should” be doing things differently (e.g. preparing for competition differently, exercising on a regular schedule, being more self-disciplined in writing) has never been sufficient to cause me to change.
Unfortunately (from the perspective of the outsider), it often takes something drastic, something “eye-opening” to incite change. It could be a physical illness or “attack” of some sort, a public humiliation, a love or a job lost or a danger to life; events to which the outsider’s response is “Wow, I would have done ANYthing to avoid that.” Well, no, probably not, in the same situation.
Why is change so difficult?
Why do people, myself included, routinely continue to sit on the tracks,
even when we can clearly see the train barreling toward us? “I know I should get off the tracks,” we
sigh. “But….” But what?
But I prefer to be hit by a train, because jumping off the tracks is too
much effort? But I prefer to be hit by a
train, because the embankment looks kinda steep? Because I’m not sure what I would do after
jumping off the tracks? There are as
many individual reasons as there are specific situations, but they all seem to
go back to an emotion:
Fear
Fear
Fear is a gut reaction, one of the most primitive reactions,
that creates the “flight or fight” response way back in the brain. It’s a tough emotion to overcome; just ask
anyone who refuses to get on a rollercoaster!
Different people attach “fear” to different objects, events or situations. Some people’s cache of things-that-induce-fear is broad and inclusive, and they may appear to be paralyzed in life by their fears. Some people have such a tiny cache of fearful things that they appear to continually put themselves in danger. Most of us are somewhere in between.
One idea that appears on almost everyone’s list, except true leaders, is….change.
For some reason, the idea of doing something differently is often equated with an unknown outcome, even when it's obvious that the outcome will be better. Anyone who has attempted to show a toddler how to perform a task, only to be rebuffed with shrieks and tears knows this. We all develop are own little habits and ways that serve us well….right up until they don’t. And when that bothers us ENOUGH (hopefully sooner, rather than later), we do something about it.
Different people attach “fear” to different objects, events or situations. Some people’s cache of things-that-induce-fear is broad and inclusive, and they may appear to be paralyzed in life by their fears. Some people have such a tiny cache of fearful things that they appear to continually put themselves in danger. Most of us are somewhere in between.
One idea that appears on almost everyone’s list, except true leaders, is….change.
For some reason, the idea of doing something differently is often equated with an unknown outcome, even when it's obvious that the outcome will be better. Anyone who has attempted to show a toddler how to perform a task, only to be rebuffed with shrieks and tears knows this. We all develop are own little habits and ways that serve us well….right up until they don’t. And when that bothers us ENOUGH (hopefully sooner, rather than later), we do something about it.
Friday, April 12, 2013
One more....one more....one more
As one of our kitties marches back and forth across the keyboard (helping me), I'm contemplating skating and business. I understand that skating coaches undergo a certification process and that there are continuing education requirements, but from where I stand as a skater, there seem to be three things that define a coach. The first is to always say, "Have fun!" just before the door closes (to me, it always sounds like the door slams shut...and then echos) for a performance or a test. The second is to often say, "That was MUCH better!" when the skater lands on his or her rear end. The third thing is to be able to repeat "One more" for up to ten minutes. Anyone who can master these three phrases and apply them at the appropriate times is halfway to being a successful skating coach.
What do these same phrases, and the ideas behind them, have to do with business? Or with any endeavor or new skill, for that matter? Everything! Except for the vanishingly few true prodigies out there, new skills and new ways of doing things are mastered in increments. It doesn't necessarily feel any better, as I'm slowing standing up and brushing snow off myself, to hear the encouraging words, "That was MUCH better," but I do understand that something I did, prior to the gravity attack, showed improvement. The process builds to the outcome, and the means to a consistent, solid landing starts before the jump or spin actually starts. And so it is with business or with any skill--a consistent, solid outcome comes from incremental successes that may not look particularly meaningful at the time. In the world of business, this sometimes is called building a foundation. It's the work that comes before the payoff; the education that comes before the job, the training that comes before the performance.
Which leads to "One more"; a phrase I know is not true! Oh, if I had a nickel for each time I heard it! First, this is spoken as an encouragement, as in "You're so close! Don't give up now!" It's difficult to offer that same encouragement to oneself, especially if the desired outcome or goal doesn't seem imminent. A friend or mentor, if not a coach, can be so helpful with this particular type of encouragement. "One more," also builds consistency through repetition. Having performed a particular move correctly, quick! Do it again! One more time, to see if I really understand what to do and to start building the muscle memory. Not so good on the third repetition? Let's fix it and do one more. In skating, as in anything else that has a mastery component, I have found that "one more" becomes personal habit and not just a direction inflicted by a coach. I find myself often saying to my coach, "Just one more," even after she is ready for us to move on! This perseverance in the drive for mastery can propel any of us forward through difficult times and situations. My children don't quite have it yet in their piano-playing, but I hope that they will see the value of "one more time" as a key to progress.
Finally, have fun. Preferably, someone says this without ominous overtones! "Have fun," often is the final direction from coach to skater before a performance. Even if nothing about the situation feels like fun, the reminder is for the skater to remember why he or she is performing or competing. The vast majority of skaters do it for fun and for the challenge. Once the endeavor stops being driven by enjoyment (occasional frustrations aside), it's probably time to stop. The same holds true with a job or with a business. While having fun can't necessarily be the sole, or even primary driver of an activity which is the person's means of support, it should be somewhere in the mix. Unrelieved and unrelenting frustration is not only not fun, it's not good business. I remember many years ago trying to jog my husband's memory of a young lady with whom I skated. I described her several different ways, and finally his face lit up. "Oh," he said. "The one who hates skating?" The young lady had never said anything to that effect, certainly not to him, but her whole presentation and demeanor while performing spoke volumes. If there is no fun to be had, it shows, and if it shows, it's not good for business, or for the job.
Incremental improvement, persistent striving for mastery and fun along the way make for both great skating and great work!
What do these same phrases, and the ideas behind them, have to do with business? Or with any endeavor or new skill, for that matter? Everything! Except for the vanishingly few true prodigies out there, new skills and new ways of doing things are mastered in increments. It doesn't necessarily feel any better, as I'm slowing standing up and brushing snow off myself, to hear the encouraging words, "That was MUCH better," but I do understand that something I did, prior to the gravity attack, showed improvement. The process builds to the outcome, and the means to a consistent, solid landing starts before the jump or spin actually starts. And so it is with business or with any skill--a consistent, solid outcome comes from incremental successes that may not look particularly meaningful at the time. In the world of business, this sometimes is called building a foundation. It's the work that comes before the payoff; the education that comes before the job, the training that comes before the performance.
Which leads to "One more"; a phrase I know is not true! Oh, if I had a nickel for each time I heard it! First, this is spoken as an encouragement, as in "You're so close! Don't give up now!" It's difficult to offer that same encouragement to oneself, especially if the desired outcome or goal doesn't seem imminent. A friend or mentor, if not a coach, can be so helpful with this particular type of encouragement. "One more," also builds consistency through repetition. Having performed a particular move correctly, quick! Do it again! One more time, to see if I really understand what to do and to start building the muscle memory. Not so good on the third repetition? Let's fix it and do one more. In skating, as in anything else that has a mastery component, I have found that "one more" becomes personal habit and not just a direction inflicted by a coach. I find myself often saying to my coach, "Just one more," even after she is ready for us to move on! This perseverance in the drive for mastery can propel any of us forward through difficult times and situations. My children don't quite have it yet in their piano-playing, but I hope that they will see the value of "one more time" as a key to progress.
Finally, have fun. Preferably, someone says this without ominous overtones! "Have fun," often is the final direction from coach to skater before a performance. Even if nothing about the situation feels like fun, the reminder is for the skater to remember why he or she is performing or competing. The vast majority of skaters do it for fun and for the challenge. Once the endeavor stops being driven by enjoyment (occasional frustrations aside), it's probably time to stop. The same holds true with a job or with a business. While having fun can't necessarily be the sole, or even primary driver of an activity which is the person's means of support, it should be somewhere in the mix. Unrelieved and unrelenting frustration is not only not fun, it's not good business. I remember many years ago trying to jog my husband's memory of a young lady with whom I skated. I described her several different ways, and finally his face lit up. "Oh," he said. "The one who hates skating?" The young lady had never said anything to that effect, certainly not to him, but her whole presentation and demeanor while performing spoke volumes. If there is no fun to be had, it shows, and if it shows, it's not good for business, or for the job.
Incremental improvement, persistent striving for mastery and fun along the way make for both great skating and great work!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
With apologies to The Clash...I was going to title this "I choose to stay or I choose to go," but the other sounded better. The idea for this reflection came from hearing several people say, in different contexts, "I have to.....". That got me thinking. While many of our decisions ARE constrained by obligations to others or by our own expectations for ourselves, they still are choices, and not the self-imposed ultimatums we present. Of course, every ultimatum comes with an implied (or sometimes spoken) "or else", and I personally like to find out what those are, before making decisions. Think of how many times a day you say, "I have to...", as in, "I have to do the laundry" (or else what?), "I have to finish this report" (or else what?) or "I have to make this phone call today" (or else what?). You get the picture. Often the consequences, if any, aren't really life-altering, but by framing choices as ultimatums there is a sense of pressure or loss of control.
What would a day of well-reasoned choices in an office job look like? It might start with choosing clothing that doesn't need ironing or goes on quickly because I chose not to leap up as soon as the alarm rang. There is a choice of breakfast--yes, no or to-go? I might choose to skip breakfast to buy myself a few extra minutes in the commute. I can choose to tough out a traffic jam or attempt to bail out and take an alternate route (I never made the right decision in these situations!). Once I arrive at work, I can choose to follow my own priorities for the day or to follow someone else's, after weighing the benefit and cost of both options. I can respond to emails and calls immediately, later or not at all. I can choose to eat at my desk, go for a walk, or leave the office for lunch. At the end of the day, I can choose whether or not to take work home with me. The more people I involve in any of these decisions, the greater the likelihood that one of them will disapprove of at least one of the choices I make. And therein lies that which feels most like an ultimatum--"I have to do X or Y will be mad/unhappy." Anticipation of something unpleasant, regardless of how much real control we have over it, can exert a powerful influence over the choices we make. Often, the unknown is assumed to be unpleasant, leading to the "I have to stay where I am/keep doing what I'm doing" mindset. There is even a cliche for it: The evil you know is better than the evil you don't. Why is the unknown assumed to be evil?
Letting go of the illusion of being able to control others can be a wonderful first step to organizing or reorganizing one's life! I'm in a relationship that isn't moving me forward and making me a better person. If I end the relationship, my partner will be angry. How do I know that for sure? Might not the person be angry anyway, regardless of what I do? I have to have my cell phone with me, in case I get in an accident and have to call for help. The ability or inability to quickly call for help has absolutely nothing to do with the probability of getting in an accident, unless it makes me drive more carefully. I have to stay at this job because I need the insurance. What if a family member gets sick? What if no one gets sick? The presence or absence of insurance does not affect whether or not anyone develops an illness.
Choices abound, and shadowy figures of ultimatums that seem to lurk in the corners of our minds often disappear when exposed to light. Making fear-based choices and framing them as "I have to..." leads to meeting the world from a position of fear, not a position of strength. What will you choose?
What would a day of well-reasoned choices in an office job look like? It might start with choosing clothing that doesn't need ironing or goes on quickly because I chose not to leap up as soon as the alarm rang. There is a choice of breakfast--yes, no or to-go? I might choose to skip breakfast to buy myself a few extra minutes in the commute. I can choose to tough out a traffic jam or attempt to bail out and take an alternate route (I never made the right decision in these situations!). Once I arrive at work, I can choose to follow my own priorities for the day or to follow someone else's, after weighing the benefit and cost of both options. I can respond to emails and calls immediately, later or not at all. I can choose to eat at my desk, go for a walk, or leave the office for lunch. At the end of the day, I can choose whether or not to take work home with me. The more people I involve in any of these decisions, the greater the likelihood that one of them will disapprove of at least one of the choices I make. And therein lies that which feels most like an ultimatum--"I have to do X or Y will be mad/unhappy." Anticipation of something unpleasant, regardless of how much real control we have over it, can exert a powerful influence over the choices we make. Often, the unknown is assumed to be unpleasant, leading to the "I have to stay where I am/keep doing what I'm doing" mindset. There is even a cliche for it: The evil you know is better than the evil you don't. Why is the unknown assumed to be evil?
Letting go of the illusion of being able to control others can be a wonderful first step to organizing or reorganizing one's life! I'm in a relationship that isn't moving me forward and making me a better person. If I end the relationship, my partner will be angry. How do I know that for sure? Might not the person be angry anyway, regardless of what I do? I have to have my cell phone with me, in case I get in an accident and have to call for help. The ability or inability to quickly call for help has absolutely nothing to do with the probability of getting in an accident, unless it makes me drive more carefully. I have to stay at this job because I need the insurance. What if a family member gets sick? What if no one gets sick? The presence or absence of insurance does not affect whether or not anyone develops an illness.
Choices abound, and shadowy figures of ultimatums that seem to lurk in the corners of our minds often disappear when exposed to light. Making fear-based choices and framing them as "I have to..." leads to meeting the world from a position of fear, not a position of strength. What will you choose?
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
What Gets You Up in the Morning
I just finished watching a fabulous video clip from a multi-level marketing guru, which I found very exciting, as I believe it applies to EVERYone, not just those who are self-employed.
http://ht.ly/g9cX0 In the clip, Nick Sarnicola talks about having to have a "desperate why" in order to succeed at a multi-level marketing business. "What gets you up in the morning?" he asks. "What gets you to make those 100 calls?" (I think that is a slight exaggeration...at least I hope it is). That got me thinking along two lines.
Line one...in a throwback to my previous career as a school psychologist, I have included in my "why" that I want to "help people", whatever that means. I now understand that that statement is so broad as to mean little more than "I don't have evil intent", and it doesn't get me up in the morning. I'm not even sure that my business, as much as I love it, gets me up in the morning. It's at the necessary and unavoidable slogging along phase, and even though I absolutely believe in all it's potential and benefits, of course the majority of others won't. That's the nature of the beast. No, what motivates me to build my business is the anticipation of financial freedom, and with that, more time to indulge my love of writing. And sleeping. I love to sleep, or to be just awake enough to be aware of being warm and cozy. And reading. Love to read. I understand that the pursuit of money is different from the pursuit of happiness, but having money can free one to pursue happiness. That makes the "why" less immediate, possibly a little less sharp, but no less compelling. What gets me up in the morning is the anticipation of....not having to get up in the morning! And that's somewhere between a possibility and a certainty now, whereas at my previous time-for-money career, that never was going to happen. Ever. And that absolute certainty did NOT get me up in the morning.
Line two...from passion comes success. At one point in the video, Nick refers to a woman in the audience who apparently gave a passionate statement earlier in the seminar and who also is very successful in her business. Which came first? I also have caught myself thinking that passion arises from success, but then, the question remains of how to arrive at success without a passion. What would get me up in the morning prior to being successful? Defining success obviously has to be here in the mix. Some might say that by leaving a dead-end job, I already am successful. To me, cashing out the life-insurance policy to pay for the children's school doesn't really feel like success. Fear? Can fear substitute for passion until I reach "success"? Of course. It doesn't feel good, and it probably doesn't look good (giving off the whiff of desperation) but it sure can push one toward a goal or toward "success". Anticipation? Can anticipation substitute for passion? Of course. Anticipation is the mirror opposite of fear, pulling one toward success instead of pushing one away from the abyss. Anticipation feels much better, but it is more difficult to maintain over time than fear. The limbic system, the "old brain" will fuel fear until the perceived danger is past, but anticipation is a more intellectual pursuit and more of a mindset choice, and therefore requires more conscious energy to keep it going.
What fear and anticipation have in common is that they are responses to something that hasn't happened yet, in this case, success. How much time do I want to spend in the future, as opposed to the present? I think a little passion for something in the present keeps life "here", as opposed to "out there" or in the future. Even if the passion I have at the moment isn't directly business-related, there likely is some business-related or success-related benefit to being just a passionate person in general. This winding discourse seems to have arrived back at the starting point, that success is facilitated from having a passionate personality. If a passion for...anything gets me up in the morning, I can channel some of that passion into any endeavor, whether it's a current quest or a an anticipatory goal.
http://ht.ly/g9cX0 In the clip, Nick Sarnicola talks about having to have a "desperate why" in order to succeed at a multi-level marketing business. "What gets you up in the morning?" he asks. "What gets you to make those 100 calls?" (I think that is a slight exaggeration...at least I hope it is). That got me thinking along two lines.
Line one...in a throwback to my previous career as a school psychologist, I have included in my "why" that I want to "help people", whatever that means. I now understand that that statement is so broad as to mean little more than "I don't have evil intent", and it doesn't get me up in the morning. I'm not even sure that my business, as much as I love it, gets me up in the morning. It's at the necessary and unavoidable slogging along phase, and even though I absolutely believe in all it's potential and benefits, of course the majority of others won't. That's the nature of the beast. No, what motivates me to build my business is the anticipation of financial freedom, and with that, more time to indulge my love of writing. And sleeping. I love to sleep, or to be just awake enough to be aware of being warm and cozy. And reading. Love to read. I understand that the pursuit of money is different from the pursuit of happiness, but having money can free one to pursue happiness. That makes the "why" less immediate, possibly a little less sharp, but no less compelling. What gets me up in the morning is the anticipation of....not having to get up in the morning! And that's somewhere between a possibility and a certainty now, whereas at my previous time-for-money career, that never was going to happen. Ever. And that absolute certainty did NOT get me up in the morning.
Line two...from passion comes success. At one point in the video, Nick refers to a woman in the audience who apparently gave a passionate statement earlier in the seminar and who also is very successful in her business. Which came first? I also have caught myself thinking that passion arises from success, but then, the question remains of how to arrive at success without a passion. What would get me up in the morning prior to being successful? Defining success obviously has to be here in the mix. Some might say that by leaving a dead-end job, I already am successful. To me, cashing out the life-insurance policy to pay for the children's school doesn't really feel like success. Fear? Can fear substitute for passion until I reach "success"? Of course. It doesn't feel good, and it probably doesn't look good (giving off the whiff of desperation) but it sure can push one toward a goal or toward "success". Anticipation? Can anticipation substitute for passion? Of course. Anticipation is the mirror opposite of fear, pulling one toward success instead of pushing one away from the abyss. Anticipation feels much better, but it is more difficult to maintain over time than fear. The limbic system, the "old brain" will fuel fear until the perceived danger is past, but anticipation is a more intellectual pursuit and more of a mindset choice, and therefore requires more conscious energy to keep it going.
What fear and anticipation have in common is that they are responses to something that hasn't happened yet, in this case, success. How much time do I want to spend in the future, as opposed to the present? I think a little passion for something in the present keeps life "here", as opposed to "out there" or in the future. Even if the passion I have at the moment isn't directly business-related, there likely is some business-related or success-related benefit to being just a passionate person in general. This winding discourse seems to have arrived back at the starting point, that success is facilitated from having a passionate personality. If a passion for...anything gets me up in the morning, I can channel some of that passion into any endeavor, whether it's a current quest or a an anticipatory goal.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Your life called....
"What am I supposed to do?" I often asked myself that question during my former life as an employee, with multiple layers of supervisors. It was either a direct question to one of them, in light of conflicting, but "equally important" priorities, or just a cry from the heart, to no one in particular, when I could not see how to fit eight hour of work into seven hours.
Now that I'm free from that situation, the question remains, albeit in a slightly different form. I do not have supervisors whom I must satisfy in order to keep a job, but I still am surrounded by people who, for many different reasons, wish to weigh in on what I am "supposed to do". The children want their favorite school clothes clean. My business partners and mentors want to see me doing certain activities that are equated with business-building. My husband wants time for us to review the budget and review our days. The children's school wants volunteer hours. My coach wants me to put in more practice time. I want to do off-ice training at least four times a week.
None of these feel like a calling, like a unique gift, or something that I can impart to make the world a better place. Some would argue, vociferously, that my providing clean clothes makes their corner of the world a better place, or that taking notes at a parent committee meeting serves the greater good. Lost in all this is...what is my calling? It could be something as simple as providing a nurturing home for a future world leader. It could be as complicated as crusading for clean drinking water everywhere. I believe that everyone, if he or she really takes the time to sit back and assess, can come up with a passion, a gift or a calling that completes the sentence, "When I have the time/money, what I'd REALLY like to do is...." One of the saddest things that can be said about a person who has passed on is that he or she had always hoped to do X, but other life events had gotten in the way.
I had the opportunity to see first-hand just how little I mattered personally when I left the puffing, wheezing, grinding machine that was my previous work-setting. Although I was told often how important I was to keeping the machine going, and how important my skills were in the service of the machine, I understand in hindsight that keeping that machine puffing, wheezing and grinding is really the end goal, and who makes that happen is of secondary importance. I had suspected as much, and it is bemusing to see how thoroughly I bought into others' idea of what I was "supposed to do."
I hope now that at least part of my legacy to my friends, my family and especially my children will be "When her life called, she did not let it go to voicemail."
Now that I'm free from that situation, the question remains, albeit in a slightly different form. I do not have supervisors whom I must satisfy in order to keep a job, but I still am surrounded by people who, for many different reasons, wish to weigh in on what I am "supposed to do". The children want their favorite school clothes clean. My business partners and mentors want to see me doing certain activities that are equated with business-building. My husband wants time for us to review the budget and review our days. The children's school wants volunteer hours. My coach wants me to put in more practice time. I want to do off-ice training at least four times a week.
None of these feel like a calling, like a unique gift, or something that I can impart to make the world a better place. Some would argue, vociferously, that my providing clean clothes makes their corner of the world a better place, or that taking notes at a parent committee meeting serves the greater good. Lost in all this is...what is my calling? It could be something as simple as providing a nurturing home for a future world leader. It could be as complicated as crusading for clean drinking water everywhere. I believe that everyone, if he or she really takes the time to sit back and assess, can come up with a passion, a gift or a calling that completes the sentence, "When I have the time/money, what I'd REALLY like to do is...." One of the saddest things that can be said about a person who has passed on is that he or she had always hoped to do X, but other life events had gotten in the way.
I had the opportunity to see first-hand just how little I mattered personally when I left the puffing, wheezing, grinding machine that was my previous work-setting. Although I was told often how important I was to keeping the machine going, and how important my skills were in the service of the machine, I understand in hindsight that keeping that machine puffing, wheezing and grinding is really the end goal, and who makes that happen is of secondary importance. I had suspected as much, and it is bemusing to see how thoroughly I bought into others' idea of what I was "supposed to do."
I hope now that at least part of my legacy to my friends, my family and especially my children will be "When her life called, she did not let it go to voicemail."
Monday, February 4, 2013
Every day is a birthday!
I had a revelation, there is no other word for it, yesterday morning. It was a revelation of gifts, of priorities and of what I serve and what serves me.
I know that everyone has a gift or a passion and that sometimes that gift has been accidentally or intentionally buried. Sometimes everyday tasks pile up in front if it, until the we wonder where the gift went ("I used to enjoy gardening so much. Now I just don't have the time"). Sometimes nay-sayers get in the way ("You really shouldn't spend so much time writing. Your family and your job need more attention"). Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, we get in our own ways ("This is an indulgence"). The gift is still there, waiting to be brought out an unwrapped. How terrible would each of us feel if, while breaking up a parent's house and disposing of the worldly possessions, we came across a beautifully wrapped gift that we had chosen with great thought and love, that we had packaged with care and that we had sent, full of anticipation of the joy it would bring? I know my heart would break. I would feel in equal parts sadness for my parent and the sting of rejection for the gift unopened and unused.
Each of us has a particular gift in our lives. Some are obvious, like performance-related gifts. Some are behind-the-scenes gifts, like knowing who needs a cheerful phone call, or a get-well note. And some gifts don't really seem to be gifts at all, because they don't seem grand enough. In our house, I'm known for having a high rate of accuracy in knowing who is calling our land-line before anyone checks or picks up the phone. I don't consider that a gift! Other gifts that might be dismissed could include punctuality, organization, mending, having a green thumb, meeting new people, remembering names, the list goes on. I personally consider all of these gifts, as the only one I have any facility with is mending! What is your gift? Is yours still sitting in the closet with the wrapping paper on? Did you peek inside, were disappointed with what you saw and put the box away?
Each gift is so important, because none of us operates in a vacuum. When one of us doesn't recognize and use our gift, everyone we touch is diminished very slightly. The whole of each of our families and social spheres is both the sum of it's parts and greater than that sum. By voting "present" in the family sphere of gifts, the sum is not complete and the family cannot become an entity that uplifts and transcends each member. The same is true of a social circle, especially a small circle of good friends. That circle has the ability to lift up and propel forward each member, as well as the group collectively, but only if everyone brings his or her gift to the group. Remember the old "Superfriends" cartoon, with Zan and Jayna as the "Wonder Twins"? Both of them had a transformative gift, and when they put their fists together and proclaimed, "Wonder twin powers activate", they were able to activate their gifts AND use them together to create a whole that was greater than the sum of its parts.
Have you opened your gift? Do you treasure it, celebrate it and use it every day, with the knowledge of how important both you and your gift are to those whose lives you touch? Or do you not know where it is? You can ask others if they have seen it ("What do you think is my gift?"), or you can dig it out yourself, if you know where you hid it. Our gifts are meant to be displayed, even (or especially) if it means rearranging some of the furnishings of our lives to do so.
I know that everyone has a gift or a passion and that sometimes that gift has been accidentally or intentionally buried. Sometimes everyday tasks pile up in front if it, until the we wonder where the gift went ("I used to enjoy gardening so much. Now I just don't have the time"). Sometimes nay-sayers get in the way ("You really shouldn't spend so much time writing. Your family and your job need more attention"). Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, we get in our own ways ("This is an indulgence"). The gift is still there, waiting to be brought out an unwrapped. How terrible would each of us feel if, while breaking up a parent's house and disposing of the worldly possessions, we came across a beautifully wrapped gift that we had chosen with great thought and love, that we had packaged with care and that we had sent, full of anticipation of the joy it would bring? I know my heart would break. I would feel in equal parts sadness for my parent and the sting of rejection for the gift unopened and unused.
Each of us has a particular gift in our lives. Some are obvious, like performance-related gifts. Some are behind-the-scenes gifts, like knowing who needs a cheerful phone call, or a get-well note. And some gifts don't really seem to be gifts at all, because they don't seem grand enough. In our house, I'm known for having a high rate of accuracy in knowing who is calling our land-line before anyone checks or picks up the phone. I don't consider that a gift! Other gifts that might be dismissed could include punctuality, organization, mending, having a green thumb, meeting new people, remembering names, the list goes on. I personally consider all of these gifts, as the only one I have any facility with is mending! What is your gift? Is yours still sitting in the closet with the wrapping paper on? Did you peek inside, were disappointed with what you saw and put the box away?
Each gift is so important, because none of us operates in a vacuum. When one of us doesn't recognize and use our gift, everyone we touch is diminished very slightly. The whole of each of our families and social spheres is both the sum of it's parts and greater than that sum. By voting "present" in the family sphere of gifts, the sum is not complete and the family cannot become an entity that uplifts and transcends each member. The same is true of a social circle, especially a small circle of good friends. That circle has the ability to lift up and propel forward each member, as well as the group collectively, but only if everyone brings his or her gift to the group. Remember the old "Superfriends" cartoon, with Zan and Jayna as the "Wonder Twins"? Both of them had a transformative gift, and when they put their fists together and proclaimed, "Wonder twin powers activate", they were able to activate their gifts AND use them together to create a whole that was greater than the sum of its parts.
Have you opened your gift? Do you treasure it, celebrate it and use it every day, with the knowledge of how important both you and your gift are to those whose lives you touch? Or do you not know where it is? You can ask others if they have seen it ("What do you think is my gift?"), or you can dig it out yourself, if you know where you hid it. Our gifts are meant to be displayed, even (or especially) if it means rearranging some of the furnishings of our lives to do so.
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